Saturday, Dec. 11, 2004 - 10:27 p.m.

Tee-Hee, Brit-style

NOTIFICATION FROM THE HOME COUNTRY

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England's Notice of Revocation of Independence

(I ought to be indignant, but this is too funny)

To: The citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect an acceptable President of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchial duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories, except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP, for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. ( At least we know how to say 'garage' and 'schedule' and 'specialty' altho I rather like the sound of 'speciality')

The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour', skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. (you are absolutely right, the 'U' is very important)

Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. (this coming from the folks that call good 'cookies' biscuits?)

You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". (how can we make the ABC song rhyme that way?)

You will learn that the suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. ( is that kinda like 'wooooster sauce'?

2. There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize".

3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited to Cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). (well, podner, some of us don't believe in anything east of the Mississippi)

You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.

While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires" eg. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.

4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. (oh good, then they won't have to learn to speak with a lisp)

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
(ekchewally, our national anthem is about beating you guys)

6. You should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. (British girl,American quarterback, it would take good eyes to tell the diff)

Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2006. (that's way too early, we'll still be ROFL)

You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America.

Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.(American guys would love to play 'rounders' with you gals)

7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. (oh my, now we'll be afraid to walk on the streets)

8. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. (that's done on purpose?)

At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour. (don't hold your breath on this one)

9. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.( yeah, that'll earn bigger tips!)

10. As a sign of penance, 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. (hey, we dumped it before, we can do it again)

11. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer", and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be refered to as "Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine".

12. From November 1st, the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline" as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon
- get used to it). (misery loves company)

13. You will hand over Mel Gibson to face charges of treason. (who do you want to trade for?)

14. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).(well, if you're still fighting in those ridiculous squares, be prepared to be mowed down again)

Thank you for your cooperation.(allus glad to be a he'p, ma'am)

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