2003-02-13 - 10:36 a.m.

Gloomy?

It has rained most of the night, and hopefully snowed at the higher elevations. 2d left yesterday for bigskiresort where she is taking some training. Skibossman's wife and another instructress went also and they were renting a room at one of the lodges.

2d was upset when she left for a number of reasons. One, skiboss had confused the dates and one day had already passed so they would have to catch up yesterday evening when they got there. 2d is as obsessive-compulsive as her mother and had almost decided not to go especially when, two, her dad bumped her about runnning with the world and letting them get her.

Good grief, she is 28 and has proved over many years that she is capable of making sound decisions and has high standards. In many ways, to the outside world, she looks much more like a Christian than he does. But he is a micro-manager of everything and everybody and does not even mean to be so obnoxious most of the time. In fact, he is realizing that lately, which shows real hope for us. To expect him to stop completely after a whole lifetime of trying to run the world is asking for the impossible. But 2d loves her father and hates to disappoint him. She is doing just what I did for many years. The slightest disaproving look from him caused me to stop whatever I was doing and fall into line again. Unfortunately too much of this behaviour makes one almost unable to make decisions on one's own. Should I or shouldn't I. This way or that way. He has had absolute control for so long that it is easier to just go with the flow.

Finally after much frustration, I came to the conclusion that sometimes no matter what I did, it would be wrong. So I adopted a new policy. I asked my Father about it first, then I did what I felt He wanted me to. This is the only way I was able to teach for 13 years and work as a lab tech for 9. Altho now that he likes having the money I make, he rarely makes waves about my work. 2d will have to come to the same decisions. If God OK's it, then disaproval of others is immaterial. One thing that living with a micro-manager does is make one examine just how important some things are. Is this important enough to face Dad's criticism? If it is, then it is probably important enough to be doing.

Back to 2d's unhappy departure, she hates deceit of any kind and so much of dealing with 800 involves deceit. We never lie to him but so much of our dealings with him has to involve just never mentioning things. Out of sight, out of mind. He misses so much by being so critical. Very few of his family ever share their deepest dreams with him for fear of facing that disapproval. Her deceiving of him yesterday involved asking me to come get her from work because she had taken her pickup to a body shop to get a little dent taken out that she incurred last year. This was a good time since she wouldn't be driving it for a few days. But he was home instead of going out as he usually does and she didn't want him to know or offer to pick her up. More chewing would have resulted. I don't think he realizes most of the time how negative he comes across, especially to those that care. Itis just one more brick in the load she carries. The load of living at home and having to sift every action and decision for its effect on us. Her nest may be being stirred up so she can fly. Her living at home doesn't bother me. My schedule is so different, that we often have to make appointments to see each other, and I try to stay out of her way and avoid directing her in simple day to day tasks. It must get tedious to be reminded of things. Very rarely does she ever get exasperated or short about her life. She is kind and gracious to her aged parents. But I know she feels frustrations sometimes. I hope this is a wonderful mini-vacation for her. In fact, I sent her an email before she left, ordering her to have a good time (joke!!)

This entry sounds as if life is intolerable under 800's iron fist, but that isn't really so. He has cared for and protected his family for more that 40 years. He just has a hard time letting go. His attention to the smallest detail of our life enabled our family to do may dangerous things in the line of work and do them safely. Accidents and injuries were avoided and kept to a minimum because we lived under the strict rule of the protector. Sometimes it seemed stifling and chafed, but we all understood the need.

Then 1s died far from home in an accident 800 could do nothing about. I think it was more devastating for him than anyone and he over-reacted by even more protection of the last chick. It even makes him nervous for her to take out garbage after dark because of our neighbors. And yet she often goes out after dark to feed and water the horse and other animals.

However just lately he has been talking more and more about striving about things. Now hopefully he can apply it to personal things as well as business and ministry.

EE's devotional

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