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2001-12-22 - 11:42 p.m.
Secret
Secret--------------- Well, I have put this off long enough. Have hidden this away very deeply, but cannot live with the guilt of this secret any longer. I am lazy. There, I have said it. The dreadful fact is out in the open. The miserable failing without one redeeming quality has been disclosed. Why confess it now at this late date? Because I know that is why Christmas and I do not get along well together. Oh, not the actual birth of Jesus. But this all-American celebration that has become an icon of the American Superwoman. I have been her. Never to the Martha Stewart Extreme. Never had enough spare cash for that, but eleventy-two kinds of Christmas cookies, handmade cards, long lists of well-wished. Yes, been there, done that. So here is another confession. Cards not sent or even started yet. Well, actually, that is not totally correct. I have gotten out the lists of cards sent and received for the past 7 or 8 years. I did get the address book back from 1d, who mailed her cards Thanksgiving weekend. I did take cards to work. I have written 3 Christmas letters to sis, cousin m and gertrude. I had good intentions when I got this computer and even went so far as to purchase some Christmas paper and matching envelopes. Even wrote a chatty Christmas letter. but after that went through 800-inspection, my heart wasn't really in it anymore. Plus, I am lazy. Not only that I am getting lazier. I actually had thoughts this year of not putting the Nativity scene on top of the piano, but having d and e here today changed my mind on that . E helped me take out each figurine from the styrofoam niche, unwrap the plastic and line them up on the coffee table. She then lined and relined them while I removed the rest of the year pretties from the piano. So there, I did make a Christmas memory! I took them shopping for their mom today. Bought a couple of presents for 2s and 800 then we came home. I moved the rest of the presents from the trunk of the Marquis and will wrap some tonite hopefully (that's that despondent Chinaman, so You know how that may go) I have worked the nightshift since 1994 and I think I have finally messed up my system, so I am now nocturnal. Even on extended time off, my alert hours are the wee ones. That is not totally new. I have always read until those hours, but now I am starting to want to do necessary tasks then. This will probably not win the the popularity contest with the others of the household. I did not go to the open house at G--s. 2d took the kids when she got back from skiing and 1d met them there. The crowd was small, but neighbors had dropped in too, which pleased them. But I didn't go to my work party either, or at least I shan't tomorrow night. Haven't gone the other 7 years, no reason to start now. I probably will got to the little program tomorrow night. It will be a funny little event. All those who had Christmas things they would like to present decided there were not enough Sundays to get in all the specials, so they would have a special time to perform them. Of course, this involves only 3-5 people. I would like to take k and s shopping for their daddy, but blb may not allow this. S called me earlier this week, to get a shone number, and then to ask if we could go. They could not go today with d and e, but she thought Sunday afternoon would be good. I could hear blb in the background, as I told s to call me back and let me know when to pick them up. I haven't heard yet but I can't lose either way. Either I get to take them, or blb gets to show her true colours once again. All those little chickens will come home to roost one day. But in the meantime, hearts I love break and all the roosting chickens in the world are not worth it. 2s himself takes the girls to buy presents for blb, even for her birthday because her present husband won't buy her one either. He loves his little girls and their happiness is worth more to him than petty maliciousness. I am proud of him. He often has more character that his mother!! Well, here I have talked Your Ear off. Our communication has changed alot over the years, hasn't it? When 1s died, I stopped most of the petitioning, and replaced it with just visiting. Much more satisfactory for me. I realized then that I was not a good judge of which petitions were best for me and have just let that rest with You mostly. I enjoy our visits, here or in my mind. They are breath and bread to me. Thank You for always being here.
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