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2002-08-27 - 11:25 a.m. Communication Here is a provocative quote that I have often pondered in my own life. Conversation(or corresponding) is not communicating, especially when the conversation is mostly one-sided. I have done very little communicating with the people I am closest to (LIDDI) I have been the 'yes'man to alot of one sided conversations and my children have been the 'yes'men to alot of my onesided conversations, but my journalling has been most of my communicating. That has been my own fault mostly. Fear of vulnerability, fear I won't be liked or accepted, fears that I may not even be aware of have kept me from communicating with anyone but You. When I think of all the vulnerabilities I have actually put down here in black and white(or purple) it makes me shudder. What would I do if I actually had to look one in the eye that I had revealed myself to so nakedly? I have even drawn back here when I see myself getting too exposed. I started writing here in an attempt to free myself from the facade I live behind, but even that is a facade as I hide the very existence of a journal from anyone who may know me. There are things that I long to share in the real life, but I can't. How would I possibly explain where they came from? 'O what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.' Sir Walter had it right. On another note entirely, one of my favorite sayings came to mind today. 'You can go easy or you can go hard' That comes from a source that I do not think I respect very much, but I appreciate the quote. I was thinking about its history and I realized I probably have more sympathy for the one it was used on than I do for the one who spoke it. But my views are probably much influenced by media-bias and the romance of the West. The phrase was used by a government official to a lawbreaker right before the official and another man were killed by the lawbreaker. The Claude Dallas saga is an odd one in the West. He became an anti-hero and still is in many parts here. A hunter who was poaching for personal gain, he was tracked down by 2 officials(I don't think they were police officers..Fish and Game if I am not mistaken--I shall have to ask 800)and goaded into a self-defense position of an old-fashioned shoot-out. At least that was his story and that of an onlooker. It may have even stood up in court if he hadn't fired a second time at each after they were down. That makes it murder. Even so, many who personally knew the officials felt Claude had excuse. He was convicted and sent to the pen but escaped after several years. 800 and the boys said the word down around their last Nevada job put him in hiding in that area where people were protecting him. Eventually he was recaptured and sent to a pen back east. I don't know where he is now. But the mindset to excuse his wrong doings is understandable to me even when I know he was wrong. I remember when we had a contract with the Fish and Game to fence in a reservoir. That was the year F&G was given the right to bear arms. The young man who was overseeing the job for the F&G turned overnight from a man one could discuss the job with into a punk with one hand on his gun holster and an 'in your face' attitude'. The job was finished but no more were bid with the F&G. So it is not hard for me to imagine what might have pushed Claude over the edge. I imagine by this time other government bureaucracies have armed their employees. Quite a change from 'an employee of the taxpayer' to 'overlord'. Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. I shall have to look up that source also. Some times I get in a little over my head here. Sure glad it is just me.--------------------------------------------------- God moves in a mysterious way, His wonders to perform; He plants his footsteps in the sea, And rides upon the storm. Deep in unfathomable mines Of never failing skill, He treasures up his bright designs, And works his sovereign will. Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take, The clouds ye so much dread Are big with mercy, and shall break In blessings on your head. Judge not the LORD by feeble sense, But trust him for his grace; Behind a frowning providence, He hides a smiling face. His purposes will ripen fast, Unfolding ev'ry hour; The bud may have a bitter taste, But sweet will be the flow'r. Blind unbelief is sure to err, And scan his work in vain; GOD is his own interpreter, And he will make it plain. 
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