2002-07-19 - 4:43 p.m.

Introspection

This entry is going to be about me--not that they all aren't. I don't do introspection very well. In my younger days, I liked to think of myself as an introvert, melancholic, but I don't think I am. In the personality area, I think I am sanguine and extroverted. Sanguines are peppy (well, I used to be) and shallow (yup, that's me). I am not a deep thinker, just offbeat.

A young friend at work keeps a paper journal and mentioned how disappointed she was to see how emotional she was last year. I am disappointed to see how bitter I have become lately as I reread my journal entries. I am not going to try to sugarcoat it. I started this project trying to come out from behind a facade I live behind.

You know the real me, You deal with her on a daily (sometimes hourly basis) but sometimes I hide from me. 'The heart is deceitful beyond all things, who can know it?' Usually I am cheerful, upbeat, optimistic and I still am in public when I want to be. But on this screen, I often say things that would surprise those who think they know me. I also find myself in withdrawal socially again. I realize this more and more at church and those types of functions. Those that I should be closest to are those I set up barriers for.

I realized that especially yesterday at the funeral. Folks whom I haven't seen for years were so glad to see me, and I could tell they would have been happy to spend time in extended visiting. Instead they were greeted by me politely, cordially but briefly. I did not want to take the time or spend the effort to exchange news and more pleasantries.

Instead at the graveside service, I found myself going over to 10 year old Caroline who was seated sadly on the grass at the grave of her brother Daniel who died last winter. We talked of Heaven for a while and Your time concept. Daniel and 1s have just arrived there by Your measurements and before they can turn around, we'll be there too. Then we talked of our favorite holidays (Thanksgiving) new bedrooms, big sisters, just lots of little things that caught both our interests. I just realized this may be saying something about me. Visiting with a ten year old and unable to visit with my peers.

As always, I got told things I probably shouldn't have been told. For some reason, when I do get involved in conversations, I usually become the repository for some unusual items of information. It is a good thing I have a short memory.

Me, me, me---well, I am now tired of that subject.

EE's devotional

newAutumn Leaves

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