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2002-12-06 - 11:52 a.m. Discovery! I think I just discovered a principle of life. If you have somethng that is very very painful, just look around and find something even more painful. It will totally distract you from the first thing! I was just reading an earlier entry where I whine about my painful arm and plan to ask the doctor about it. I haven't even thought about my arm since my knee started its little adventure. That will teach me. Another journal reminded me of the last time I sang in public, not just in our immediate congregation. In the 80's (I didn't realize it was so long ago) I had several opportunities to sing at various weddings. One of the songs I sang was Unfailing Love. I had first heard it at 1s' graduation from Bible School and when he and L came down one year, she wrote the words and notes out for me in a notebook. I figured out the chords on my guitar and even learned a new one(Dminor) in the process. When the son of some friends was hit by a car and died, the wife asked for me to sing that song at his funeral. Beacause of the circumstances of the whole relationship with the family, I should have known what might lie ahead, but I don't regret doing it. For her, it was a comfort. For me it was a disaster and the end of any desire to 'perform in public'. I haven't even dwelt on the happening out loud, (Miz Scarlett in action) but I have mulled it over during the years. I first met the family at a church we all went to. The couple had just gotten saved that summer. He had been a very successful car salesman-owner and she was a flashy little brunette with a winng personality. They had a little girl the age of 2d who was 3, a beautiful little dark-haired girl who looked like 1d as a baby, and a new baby boy the exact picture of his daddy, a muscular square faced blond. The dad was on fire for the Lord and was eager to share his faith on visitation. Feeling the thrill of leading someone to his new Saviour and wanting to be better equipped, that fall he took his little family West to a sound Bible school. We heard from them through prayer letters and then heard they had financially been unable to finish school and had settled in the big city the school was located in. In a few years they moved back to our town and we were glad to welcome them into church once more. It was hard for the husband to find a career that supported them as well as before the change in their life, and I think that may have taken a toll on the marriage. The wife took a job delivering parts for a parts house, and we soon heard that they were separating. She told the pastor of the church that she didn't want MC or me to visit. As 2 of the older women (40's!) in the small church, both of us well schooled in the Scriptures and with a good testimony of obedience to God and husband, she may have felt we would have put pressure on her to reject the decision she was making. And perhaps we would have. In any case, we tried to minister in ways we could. I took the oldest girl to the yearly amusement park trip and went with her and 2d on rides that day. I worked with the little girl in our small private school and always treated her mom with kindness the few times I saw her the remainder of the school year. What could one do? This woman had been dealt with by the pastor and his wife, knew the Word of God well, and had still decided to take a contrary turn in the road of life. Over the course of the summer, I saw the little girl as she came into a small convenience store I occasionally worked at. One day she came into the store and bought several dollars worth of candy bars. She told me her mom and new boyfriend, a local car-repairman she had met on her job, were taking them all camping the next weekend. My heart felt so burdened. I wanted to enclose a note with the candybars but something held me back. The image of the famous picture of Jesus as the Shepherd at the head of the flock cradling a lamb in his arms, was strong in my mind. I had heard it said once that shepherds will often get an unruly ewe to follow by picking up her lamb and carrying it for a while. To this day I do not know whether I missed a cue from You or not. As the years passed, I came in contact with this family occasionally. We started attending another church locally and soon she and her new husband, the repairman, started coming also. He had been in an old-line liberal denomination, but the new family joiined in heartily just as if there were no past. The children were once again enrolled in the school I taught in but their new last names were those of the stepfather. Rumour had it that the dad had let them be adopted, and had totally left the faith. It was then that I came to realize that the pain of losing a family in this new world of divorce could be so painful that sometimes a man must run from reality. We women can weep, but that is not manly for the father. He can remain in the situation, hurting over and over again, and as I have watched my own son over the years, I have seen how his ex has deliberately used the girls to hurt him. Or he can cut the ties, and go on. I find myself cutting men who have chosen to run a lot more slack. God help us women who have cut off our children from their fathers. We will stand before You one day. One fall, we learned the woman was not going to re-enroll the children in the school and only a few days later, the little boy now about 10 was struck by a car in front of the repair garage as he was crossing the street to go to the local public school. Then I got the call from the pastor about singing at the funeral. The church was packed and the adjoining auditorium had a closed circuit TV set up and it was packed also. M and her family were sitting on the front row just a few feet away from me and she smiled bravely as I started to play the opening chords. As my eyes swept the congregation, I saw the little boy's father halfway back in the crowd next to another man our family knew. In fact, we had been praying for this man for years, that he would be touched by Your Spirit and saved. He had been the dad's best friend all these years and while we had been so encouraged at the first that dad's testimony would be used to bring the friend to You, we had also realized how devastating an impact the testimony of the broken marriage would have. Especially as the friend watched sin being swept under the rug, mouths being wiped as if nothing wrong had ever happened, and the church excusing everything under the name of unity. The pain on the faces of these two men drove everything out of my mind. The pattern of the chords fled from my fingers and for a few seconds, I was lost. Then You took over and I finished the song. 2d was in the adjoining auditorium and she told me later, she could tell when that happened because she had heard me practice so much and had watched me sing the song before. She assured me it wasn't noticeable and I was ashamed that it would even matter to me under the circumstances and the heartache the family was feeling, but I have always avoided getting involved in another service. And I learned one more thing. Never focus on a member of the audience, stay neutral and involved only in the delivery of the message you carry. UNFAILING LOVE FLOWS FROM HIS HEART AND HEALS MY SOUL. IN SPITE OF WHO I AM HE LOVES AND MAKES ME WHOLE. I ALMOST CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S TRUE UNFAILING LOVE, AND YET I KNOW HE GAVE HIS LIFE TO GIVE TO ME UNFAILING LOVE. - - IF THE HIGHEST MOUNTAINS TURN TO ASHES - IF THE MIGHTY RIVERS SHOULD RUN DRY - SHOULD SUN AND MOON GROW DIM, I STILL WILL TRUST IN HIM - HE'S WATCHING FROM ABOVE, I'M SHELTERED IN HIS LOVE - One small P.S. Several years ago, 800 was cleaning out his pickup and brought a roll of film in. I took it in to be developed and was amazed to find pictures of this woman and her family. There were even a couple of pictures of the son. The only explanation we could find was that the stepfather must have had the film in his pocket and lost it in the pickup when the pickup was in the repairshop. I set the pictures to the woman but also dropped off a copy of the ones of the children at a local insurance office that the dad and new wife run. I have never heard anything from either parent but I know how precious a picture that I had never seen of 1s would be to me. 
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